…the tiniest birds.

Happiness came today, in the form of a bird like this and his lady friends…

https://goo.gl/images/iKSuKj

This weekend, I mentioned wanting a bird feeder to hang just outside the picture window in our living room. After a tumultuous couple of days, more on that later on…I thought it’d brighten my mood.

Sunday, Justin and Sissy, went and grabbed one from the Ace hardware about thirty minutes away.

If I’m completely honest, the bird feeder was me grasping at straws. I have struggled with anxiety, a lot. Probably for longer than I remember and can actually articulate, simply because I didn’t have a name for “the thing” that made me flip out. 

After two years in LivingWell, I now have a name for it and I can only call it what it is, sit in whatever is causing the anxiety, process and move along as necessary. Certain things trigger me more than others…overall though, I’ve done pretty well in recent years. 

When we moved out here, I was a gigantic mess…if you’ve been reading the blog for awhile, you already know that…anxiety played a huge factor…Fear of the unknown gets me every time..which is really based out of my fear of rejection. Anyway, after processing all that out, things were rolling along pretty much anxiety free.

However, in February, I began having terrible nightmares and LOTS of sleepless nights followed. Once I processed what was causing my flare up, they slowly went away. Fast forward to two weeks ago…I started having trouble sleeping, again, and this week I’ve been having terrible nightmares. I’ve been on the verge of tears more than I’d like to admit and I’ve been sullen, for lack of a better word. I hadn’t been able to really put my finger on what had me triggered until we were sitting at dinner this evening. I realized that in the past two weeks, Little Man has finally started sleeping through the night, in his own bed. It hasn’t been every night but 6 out of 10, compared to none…I consider that a breakthrough. Celebration, right?!? No cause for alarm. 

…unless you’re the Mama who woke up in the middle of the night, April 19, 2016, to your newborn not breathing.  See, y’all, these past two weeks, they’re the first time, since that night, our boy has slept-alone…all night. I have processed multiple times the impact his illness and the survival mode we lived in for months-gone over and over my feelings and fears and denial more times than I care to count. What I seem to always forget, though, is this…trauma is trauma and it doesn’t just go away. 

I am happy, our boy is healthy and healed and whole. I’m forever grateful for the Holy Spirit waking me that night-I’ve no doubt it was Him. I know our life could be very different. I also know, as a Mama, that night forever changed something inside my heart…it is still overwhelming and frightening and suffocating at times….so, tonight, as we read SkippyJon Jones, I snuggled Little Man a little tighter and told him what a beautiful gift he has been to our family…and when I kissed Sissy and Mouse, I reminded them what precious gifts they are, too.

So, what about the birds, you ask?  After dinner and in the middle of finishing bath time, J called me into the living room. There were at least ten tiny finches on our back wall, taking turns eating from my new feeder…and the handsome guy, similar to the one pictured above, gently stood watch for his ladies. Ha.

It was then I heard a still, small voice say…

“See, I even care for the tiniest birds…”

My anxiety doesn’t get the final say, my Jesus does. Though it is very real, though it is sometimes utterly crippling, I have all the necessary tools to push through to the other side-when I’m ready.

Jesus has constantly reminded me, when I am weak, He’s strong. When I doubt, He doesn’t flinch. When I worry, He reminds me, gently, that He has cared for me long before any one else…this move, living on the Rez, homeschooling, learning a new culture and way of life and still trying to hold onto who He designed me to be-it’s hard. Harder than I ever imagined. I’m not alone, though. He knew how hard this would be, He knows my heart and my head-and He loves me anyway.

So, tonight, I’m choosing to sit in my feelings, process through the fear and worry not. 

…and I think I’ll kiss all three of my babies one more time before I go to bed. 

“Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your Heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you more valuable than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” -Matt. 6:26-27