Fear.

Yesterday was our first day of home school, year 2.  The difference in yesterday’s palpable excitement and last years intense trepidation was incredible.  The girls were excited, mama was prepared and Little Man was along for the ride.  We’ve been asked multiple times why we choose to home school when there is an elementary school literally one half mile from our home.  Our answer is simple.  This is the season God has brought us too.  As long as He’s leading us to this, we’ll continue to walk in His path.

I want to share with you a beautiful moment from our first day.

Our character word this first month is OBEDIENCE.  We wrote in our journals yesterday morning several ways we could be obedient.  There were several answers, some very intuitive, some very much little girl.  One of Sissy’s responses though surprised me.

The definition I gave them for obedience made mention of doing what we’re asked, the first time, joyfully and without complaint….

Sissy looked at me after reading the definition and said, “Mommy, you were obedient to God when you didn’t want to come here.”  I agreed. She then said, “You didn’t have to do it joyfully, you didn’t have to do it without complaint, you just had to do it, right?”

Right?

Was that right?  I wasn’t sure.  I wasn’t sure how to generalize her question because its true that I did get “in the boat” with J.  Its true that I came to the Rez.  However, my heart wasn’t here. My mind wasn’t here and I certainly, in no way, wanted to be here.  So was it obedience or fear?

I’ve had to deal heavily with my fears in the past four years.  I lived most of my life being afraid of rejection and punishment.  I remember now telling my best friend that I was moving here because I didn’t want to get to heaven and have Jesus look at me and ask why I was a stumbling block in my husbands spiritual walk…hmmm…

Fear.  That’s what I came to last night.  I was afraid to come here but I was more afraid of not coming here.  Then I got angry.  What a way for Satan to steal the joy of so many months? I was convinced I was walking in obedience, when I was actually walking in fear.  See how the enemy twists thoughts, ideas to create his own way, his own win.

I look back at the first four months we lived here and think about how terrible I must’ve been to live with…how I wanted to punish J for moving us here-I should mention, I didn’t realize until last night that I wanted to punish him. I wanted him to be in pain with me.  I wanted him to suffer the way I was suffering…and in the process, literally everyone around me suffered.  How absolutely self-absorbed!?!?

This morning we came back to our definition of obedience.  I explained to Sissy and Mouse that I wasn’t obedient, I was fearful.  I explained that Mommy wanted to call it obedience because it’s prettier that way.  We talked about how the enemy likes to tangle us up and make us believe things that aren’t true to keep us from fully walking with Jesus.  In a moment of innocence and clarity and true child-like faith, Mouse responded by reminding me that Jesus gives us mercy and grace every morning.  “A big fresh batch, right, Mommy?  If he gives us a big, fresh batch of mercy and grace EEEVVVVVERY day, then you are already forgiven for moving here because you were afraid.”

Wow.

She’s six, y’all.  If I had understood mercy and grace that way at six years old, how different my choices along the hard road of life would’ve been.

Days like yesterday and today are further evidence of why we’re called to home school. Conversations with my kids that lead to deeper conversations about faith and walking in His way, will forever be worth every single minute of every single day I spend teaching these babies.  Home school is about more than teaching reading, math, language, history and science.  Its about life lessons that make a difference in the DNA of our family.  I’m thankful for this season.  I’m thankful that even on days when I’m not sure they’ve learned a single thing, days when my patience is running low and we’re all exhausted, He is working.  They are learning grace and mercy, forgiveness and patience and love.  Above all else, love.  Unconditional love…from a Heavenly Father who created them for so much more than I, as their mama, could ever fathom.

So-how long will we home school?  Well, until He tells us otherwise.