Small

I recently read Rachel Hollis’ book, Girl, Wash Your Face.  I’d read many Facebook posts and several articles raving about the book and it was recommended to me by a dear friend.  So, all those things combined with the fact that her last name matches the first name of my very best friend, I figured it couldn’t be a bad read.  It wasn’t.  It was actually really good, a quick, easy, busy mom-friendly kind of book.  I appreciated her wit and insight into what its like to be a mom and a wife and a young woman who is still trying to determine what the greater plan for life will be.

What I appreciated most though was a section of her book where she talks about making herself small to please other people.  She says this, “You were not made to be small! You were made to be the best version of yourself… and the best version of you does not shrink herself to fit inside of anyone else’s expectations! Be brave in the face of uncertainty. Be bold in pursuit of your goals. Be unapologetically you!”.

When I read those words, it was like being slapped in the face.  All my life, I made myself small to please other people.  Aced a math test, oh no big deal.  Made first chair clarinet, great job but you can be better.  Played like a big dog on the ball field, you were good but so and so was better.  As a college student, I wanted others to like me so I made a very small deal of myself and my faith.  I fumbled the ball in that department quite a bit.  I made my morals small, on lots of occasions, to get others to be my friend.  As a young woman, I sunk to low levels to keep a guy who never really loved me.  As a wife and mom, I find myself consistently making myself small, my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams small so that no one is offended.  I find myself walking through each day growing increasingly concerned about what it means to live a “life on mission”. I watch all six of my littles watching me…how will Mama react?  How will she handle adversity?  How will she handle the Goliath that’s in front of her?  Will she be brave and bold like she encourages us?  Will she stand up for the God things?

The truth is…

I make myself small.

I don’t want to be seen.  I don’t want to be heard, not really.  I only want to be seen by my people.  Those closest to me, those who are called to love me regardless.  The reality is though that love is a choice, much the same way that my being small is a choice.

Do you know what’s even crazier than making myself small so that other’s don’t see me.  So that other’s can’t disagree with my ideas or dreams?  It’s that for most of my life, I’ve believed it works. Ha.

Disclaimer:  it doesn’t.

God didn’t call us to be timid and small.  He called us to live out our lives as He’s created us.  He’s called us to walk in the fullness and understanding that we are worthy to be loved simply because HE CREATED US!  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!  Y’all.  How do we as Christians miss this so often?  How do we sit by and watch as we tear one another apart?  How do we walk through life, day in and day out, and choose not to love the very thing that God created in His own image?  Choose not to love other’s well?  I can’t make it make sense, other than a little part of us all must want to be small. Not seen.  Not heard.

I need to be honest.  I can’t live like that anymore.

I’m what others might call a spirited introvert.  I so enjoy being around MY people, the ones I’m really close to.  I also THRIVE in quiet.  The times where no one is talking to me, where I can sing, write, read or draw.  I am at peace in silence.  It is often the best part of my day when there is LITERALLY no one speaking to me.  When I read Rachel’s earlier statement, I realized I’ve been using my introverted-ness (is that even a word?) as a way to make myself even smaller.

Here’s the thing.  I watch people all around me make themselves small, too.  I’ve watched my beautiful Navajo brothers and sisters make themselves small because for so long they were forced to be so.  So many of my Navajo family have incredible intellect.  They are smarter than the average bear and many have more common sense than most.  They are wise.  Often, they see things others can not because we don’t take the time.  Life is often too busy in the Anglo world to realize what’s right in front.

That’s sad to me.  There are lots of things out here that are sad to me.  Right now, though, the saddest is watching these beautiful people make themselves small.

My prayer is that I’ll stop sticking to small.  My prayer is that I will be bold, like a lion.  That through my boldness, my brothers and sisters will take heart as well.  That they will step out of small, too.  And that together, we can walk in the fullness of who God has called us to be and we’ll be able to love each other and the world BIG…not small.