Hear and answer.

Sitting down to write has been difficult for me the past month.  It wasn’t necessarily that there’s been nothing to write about but rather, the difficult parts of the things that need to be written.  January was a struggle, as is the case for lots of my friends and family.  January feels like it takes an eternity to end…well, because its a super long month, lots of my friends are educators and don’t get paid until the last day of the month and they have to make that December paycheck (the one before Christmas) last for six weeks or so…then there was the government shutdown that affected many of my other people.  January is supposed to remind us of newness and give us fresh perspective for the coming year.  I usually really work hard to focus on the new things.  This year, January came in like a lion and thankfully, it’s going out like a lamb.  Thank you, Jesus!

I’ve thought about a million ways to write about January and honestly, I haven’t been able to find a way to put into words all that January brought.  So, in an effort to be totally transparent, as I vowed I would be at the beginning of this blog…I’m just going to rip it off like a band aid.

January brought a LOT of changes in the dynamic of our family.  Our party of eight, returned to a party of five.  Our beautiful brown eyed girls moved to a relative placement. My heart has hurt lots of times throughout my life.  There is a different kind of hurt though, when a tiny human asks if they can smell you so they never forget what their “Mommy” smells like….when one tells you they’ll miss your smile…and you realize that maybe for the first time ever, you were the person that smiled at them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Even on their worst days. While being with family is what’s right, it still doesn’t take the sting out of packing all their things and kissing them goodbye one last time.

We have our good days and bad days, as is expected.  Finding new rhythms, watching our bio babies step back into their familial roles…having space, freedom, movement…those are all blessings.  We’re enjoying this time.  We’ve been cocooning, if you will. “Circling our wagons” as my precious friend, Nena, puts it.  The reality is, we’ve had a significant loss in our family and we’re doing our best to grieve well.  We’re doing our best to give our kiddos the space they need to grieve well, too.  We’re talking openly about the yuck and the sweet and all the things in between. Will you pray for us, for them, during this time of transition?

I always knew they weren’t my babies to keep forever.  I knew from the beginning that they wouldn’t be here long term. What I didn’t know was how my heart would love them so deeply. I didn’t know how my head would think of all the things they need, even when they don’t need me anymore.  I didn’t know the sadness that comes from waking up with only three kiddos and not six.  I never knew how I’d miss those sweet hugs and fixing all that beautiful black hair.  And, yet, I see the light at the other side of the tunnel.  I see peace in places I had begun to miss it.  I see hope in valleys where I’d been stuck because life with six kids is a LOT, y’all.

Just so you know, I’d still say yes.  I’d still choose them. I’d still call them my daughters.  I’d still love them and their mama.  I’d still choose those seven and a half months.

What else did January bring?  LOTS of snow.  Lots of cold weather…and double pneumonia.  For me.  It was not fun.  It was the first time, in almost nineteen months I’d needed my inhaler…it had been so long, my other’s had expired and I’d recently thrown them away.  I wasn’t concerned because I’m not allergic to “life” here and that helps. Ha.

But-then, I needed it.  My amazing PA, ‘Vina, did an incredible job providing care for me. She and I built a mutual respect for one another through her care of one of our brown eyed girls and she is, simply put, magnificent at her job.  She is thorough, she’s a listener, a watcher, like many Navajo.  She covered all the bases.  I was drastically improved within 48 hours and I can tell you now, it was because of ‘Vina’s attention to detail, care and concern that I didn’t wind up hospitalized.  I’m glad to say, I’m 100% better and looking forward to WALKING my half marathon next weekend.  I was given strict orders not to stress my lungs. And, I’m going to be with Lolli and she doesn’t allow anyone to break the rules. So, I’ll behave. Ha.

On the ministry front, we have been crazy busy, meeting with various churches, planning for the year, walking out timelines and preparing for multiple mission teams from back East.

We added four sheep to the family….Snowflake, Black Eyed Pea, ‘Zhini and Moo are quite the set of characters and the kiddos adore them.  I’ve taken some time to visit with them too.  This may sound strange…but sheep are super peaceful.  ‘Zhini likes to be cuddled and Black Eyed Pea, though she’s the smallest, is totally the leader of the flock. Moo is just that, a cow and tries to eat more than everyone else and will attempt to shove the others out of the way. Snowflake is the caboose and makes sure everyone else is following BEP.

Its a funny thing to have them here with us.  I often make the comment to J that I never envisioned this life, and yet, I wouldn’t change a single thing about it, either.

Seriously.  I wouldn’t change anything.

We had dinner with some dear friends a couple weeks ago.  Over the course of dinner, we shared our personal stories, some of the good, lots of the hard and some of the in between.  During that time, I shared with them a revelation that despite having NEVER wanted to move here, the bitterness I’d felt at knowing I needed to follow J and ultimately, Jesus’ choice for us to move to the Rez, I have seen such restoration since moving here.  We have seen restoration in our family, in our hope, in our joy, in our peace….and that’s something I never want to give up.  No matter what, my prayer will always be that we are walking with Him, fully in His will and always, ALWAYS being renewed, restored, set apart and called.

Let us always hear and answer. Amen.