It’s a process…

As I wrote last week, January was a somber month.  A hard month.  A month of reflection and “circling of the wagons”.  February is looking a bit more upbeat as I head back East for The Donna with Lolly and several other friends, we have some super cool events planned with our homeschool co-op and some fun ministry activities.  We are excited to participate with Alleluia Canyon in their first community day celebration and are looking ahead at our spring break plans as well as the mission team from SSCC that will be coming out the first week in April.

We are also enjoying some time with our dear family at White Rock.  J and the kiddos stayed there over the weekend because Masani and Grandma E were both headed out of town.  I stayed here at home because we have our own animals to care for and someone needed to grocery shop, buy hay and feed, get the oil changed, etc.  So, while J and the kids were taking care of the sheep, sheep dogs, cats and Bo (Masani’s dog), building a new roof for the sheep corral with MyMike and riding the four wheeler all over God’s canyon country, I was headed to Farmington for groceries and such.  The time alone was nice…however, it starts to get interesting when there’s so much quiet you feel like you need to create your own noise. Ha.

Before we moved here, our dear friend, Tab, told me he’s never been more peaceful and anxious at the same time as when he drove across the desert, alone.  I remember thinking to myself what an absurd thought process that was….well, I can now say I agree with him.  There’s something both peaceful and unsettling about watching the sun sink behind the mesas as you head onto the Rez.  There’s this odd combination of beauty and tension.  It’s honestly something that can’t be explained unless you have felt it for yourself.  For visitors, people who don’t frequent this area, it’s just what I imagine to be a picturesque scene. For those of us who live it, or visit frequently, we are constantly aware of the dangers that lurk at night.  Dangers, you ask?  Well, on the Rez, street lights are uncommon…when it gets dark, its just that…dark. Our minivan has an LED light bar on top for being able to see at night.  Cows, sheep, horses, coyotes, foxes…they all seem to enjoy the occasional road side grassy snack and they are HARD to see.  Almost impossible at times.  They create a hidden, ever present need to be constantly on guard and aware of your surroundings.  I find myself getting anxious as the sun sets. I find myself checking and double checking the side of the road.

On Saturday night, driving home from Farmington, I had the revelation that while those are legitimate fears of living out here, its also a direct correlation to my behavior when I’m feeling out of control about something. Its in the times that I feel I can’t FORCE something to happen that I am most anxious…

Isn’t that the way of anxiety though? A constant, ever present need to be on guard…wanting to control the uncontrollable, needing to make things right before something even goes wrong?  That’s the way my anxiety works…its especially high when I’m out of routine, off my schedule, my kids are sick…

Webster’s dictionary defines anxiety as being characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind or brooding fear about some contingency…

An extreme worry.

As I was processing, (yes, aloud, while driving down the road–it’s okay though, remember the Rez is dark at night and no one can see me.) it was like the Holy Spirit smacked me in the face.  I was reminded that all throughout the Bible we are told not to worry…that God has it in control.  He is ever-present in times of trouble… and as I was driving, I began to recite the verse that I’ve so frequently said over the past four years…

As I repeated this verse, over and over, peace settled over the truck.  I began to sing “It Is Well” as loudly as I could…because it was…all was well with my soul.

In all honesty, I’ve felt a little, okay, a lot, out of control, since the brown eyed girls left.  We’d had to be in such a routine to keep everyone happy, healthy and safe while they were here that I didn’t really know how to go  back to just being a mom to three kiddos.  My littles have felt out of control too.  Sissy has a tendency to try and mother people when she’s out of control, Mousey seems to vibrate (even more than normal) and is incapable of sitting still for longer than fifteen seconds and Little Man gets very whiney.  While the girls have been able to process aloud all the things they are feeling and J and I have openly talked with them about all the changes, there’s still heartache and grief…and as I often do, I want to lean into brushing all the yuck aside and focusing on the happy, on the good, on the sugar cookie side of things.  Unfortunately, yet fortunately, I know better so I want to do better…and thus I step off the wrong-way train and work really hard to delve into the yuckiness….which is where I had been on Saturday.  The quiet was a blessing…it was a hard truth to swallow-I needed that time though.  I needed the quiet to process aloud all the questions, all the sorrow, all the deep, gut-wrenching pain of watching those three girls walk out of my house for the last time…I needed to feel all the feelings and not be numb to the pain of losing three pieces of my heart.

I needed to feel all those feelings so that I could let Jesus be in control again. He trusted me with those beautiful babies and He’s the author of their story. He has plans only for good and I need to lean into that promise…I also needed to dig out all the yuck, the feelings of rejection and abandonment and punishment…the false guilt and shame.  I had to get all those out so that I could see His goodness in the ugly.

He is near to the broken hearted…I’ve no doubt.

I guess what I’m saying is this…if you’re struggling with letting the ugly show…get somewhere peaceful.  Get somewhere quiet.  Get in a place where you have nothing else to do other than be honest with the One who loves you more deeply than you can imagine…He already knows ALL the ugly inside you, so its a completely non-judgement zone. The more you let Him in to heal the ugly, the more peaceful you’ll feel.

I wish I could tell you it’s a one shot deal…I can’t.  I wish I could tell you that you’ll immediately find the peace you’re searching so desperately for…I can’t.  What I can tell you is that conscious, concentrated effort in releasing the things you can’t control and accepting the things you can…well, there’s hope in that. Joy. Peace. Grace. Understanding.  It’s all there. You simply pick up the courage, make the choice and say YES…over and over again, every day…then one day putting down the control and picking up what you are responsible for becomes easier.  It’s still a process…easier, nonetheless.