So many times since we began our westward adventure, I’ve thought to myself, I never would’ve dreamed….fill in the blank. Most every aspect of what I dreamed our life together would look like has changed. Including our walk with the Lord. Our walks are deeper, more meaningful, fuller and so much more vibrant than I ever imagined they could be. Our life in general is that way. Fuller, deeper, purer than its ever been. And I love it.
A horse was never in my dream for our family. Then J started riding when we moved here and fell in love. I always thought we’d eventually get him a horse. Then came Diesel.
Oh, I knew I’d love him, I just didn’t realize how I’d connect with him. I knew I’d take care of him, I just didn’t realize how he’d force me to take care of my heart issues so he could take care of his.
A horse who has had a traumatic experience will use the reactive side of their brain, as humans do, to initiate their fight or flight response. Horses have this innately as a defense mechanism because they are prey animals. There’s loads of neuroscience behind horsemanship and I obviously don’t know it all, although I’m enjoying learning. The basic gist though is that a horse reads your body language, he feeds off your tension or lack there of and he depends on his human to tell him if he’s safe or if he should be afraid. Diesel’s humans haven’t always been kind with him. They haven’t always handled his heart well, haven’t always taught him appropriate responses to external stimuli and certainly haven’t always loved him in a tangible way.
Here’s the thing, we’re a lot like horses. People aren’t always kind, we aren’t always loving, genuine or safe. People can be aggressive and mean, the exact opposite of what God designed us to be in the Garden. We live in a fallen world and because of that, we deal with sin and death and the enemy, not God, guides many folks. Because we live in this broken world, many of us, including myself, have experienced trauma. We’ve been harmed by the very hands of those who were supposed to love us. We’ve seen darkness in the eyes of men and women who were supposed to be light. We’ve had angry hands harm us rather than gentle hands show us love.
The truth is that when we experience trauma, more often than not, we live out of the fight or flight portion of our brain. I am a fighter. Trauma doesn’t scare me, it makes me angry. It makes me seethe and I will fight like a dog with a bone. On the flip side, I know many who run. They hide. Neither of those mechanisms is safe in the long term…we don’t know that in the middle of a trauma though. We don’t know that when the trauma is over and we’ve removed ourself from the traumatic situation, that not every other person in our life won’t harm us.
Diesel didn’t know that either.
Gaining the trust of someone you love who has experienced trauma is a process. Teaching them, showing them you love them in word and deed takes time. I knew all this, I knew from experience that trusting your heart to someone after severe trauma is intensely scary.
Then I met Diesel.
I saw a beautiful creature who was petrified of all people…because of a few people. The trauma he experienced caused a generalization that ALL people were bad.
Y’all, we do the same thing…someone hurts us and we assume all people will hurt us. We build walls to keep others out when God clearly created us for relationship. For healthy, full, meaningful relationships that point us to Him.
Each time I step in the round pen with my big Diesel-boy, I’m reminded that just like I used to fight when I was afraid, Diesel runs. It’s my job to teach him when to be afraid and when he’s ok. Friends, we have to turn to Jesus. We have to ask Him to give us discernment, to show us the difference between truth in love and the lies of the world, the lies of fear. And then we have to listen…
I want to lean more deeply into the truth and less into my fears. I want to fight less and love more.
…all because God made a horse.
Beautiful Harvest Project 